Saturday, December 1, 2012
I swear I always have the most perfect plan to screw things up. I simply screw things up with my stupidity and immature thinking. I fail to protect you, failed to uphold you, I failed in my duty as a friend to send you back home on time. I feel insanely terrible. No, worse than terrible. How I wish I could do something to lessen your pain. But instead, I just created more pain. I don't know if I shoild let you go or not. I don't want to create anymore pain for you. I want to give your heart a break. I don't want you to worry about my feelings anymore. I just want you to be happy.
You'll be the girl I almost had. But I don't want to let you go. Time is the only thing i have with you. I got no future, no prospect. I am simply not the guy you need. I think it's more of I can't meet your needs than you can't meet mine. Because I'm just a failure. A terrible terrible failure. I don't know what else to do or say. Everything happened because of me. I was the cause of everything. I fucked your life, I fucked up our relationship. Now, I pay the price. I don't know if I should drive to church anymore. I don't feel like doing anything anymore.
My body is tired but my mind refuses to sleep. Events of the day keep repeating within my mind and it just scares me to know that I might lose you. Losing you to my stupidity and the non understanding of me. So many relationships, i screwed them up one by one. I fucking need to change. I need to control myself. It's not a need, it's a must. I must change. God gave me the free will and I chose to walk the wrong path. He taught me a lesson. I'm learning it the hard way. The very hard way. I not only hurt you, I hurt your parents. I failed to respect them as a factor of our relationship and the severity of them. I really am afraid. Damn afraid. You have no idea how terrible I feel now. How I wish I could disappear from the face of the earth, how I wish you would stab me through my heart. Scold me, beat me, whatever you do, put the blame on me. Pin it all on me. Perhaps I'll feel better this way. I look forward to Fridays because I get to see you. Guess the game's changed. I broke the rules and I'm paying the penalty. A heavy penalty. I should just shoot myself in the head. Maybe if I didn't existed in your life, you would be much happier.