Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Something came over me today... i didnt noe wat... i just couldnt control.. i dun noe whats happening to me. something just keeps bugging me.. there's this feeling of letting go and yet i cant bear to thats really picking on me... I really am in a tug-of-war. And this tug-of-war is seriously hurting me... todae was the day part of the war surfaced... during lessons, i started to draw.. the first thing i could draw was this : " hatred resides here". I have no idea how in the world i wrote that but i just did. Things started to go downwards from there. I started writing things i've never imagine and even thought of death.... i guess it all started from that Saturday... I've got to stop it.... i'm hurting way too much...
Tuesday, 8.08am
Yesterday was the first day of school after 3 long weeks of holidays. It didnt seem to me that it was a big deal but i slept early anyway, In my heart, i really really was reluctant to go and in some way or another, the feeling of regret of not taking the O's came back to me. It aint good...
My emotions were taking control of me. I believed there was a change in me from out of school and in school. I think David would have noticed. Maybe he did not. School seemed to change my entire set of mood, i just couldnt find the emotions that came to me during the first term... I think they've ran away... Nonetheless, I've been on a wild-goose-chase to catch them back and i think i'm close to catching them. But even if i get them back, there's two possibilities. 1. i'll get back what i felt before the holidays. 2. i'll still get them back but i'll change it into something different. So... its a tough decision to make. To stay with the old or to go with the new...
I swear i'm gonna change this mood of mine. I'm gonna change. i love you...